Since my last posting, my work hours have steadily increased significantly. My first day off (besides Sundays, because those always seem to be jam packed) in January was the 27th. The second week in (and 5th on-call shift) I drove home bailing my eyes out. I am not used to working these crazy long hours. I was just at my breaking point, completely exhausted, and the only way to release the tension of being where I do not feel like a belong was to cry. I understand that God sometimes breaks us to make sure we are relying on Him, and these were one of those times. A midst the tears, and k-love playing in the background I voiced to God what I was needing. I reached out via FB to one of my older, wiser friends for prayers as well.
Living here in Humboldt, I have had no community. Since I moved out of my family home to college up in Portland, OR I have learned and lived in community, and it is the most beautiful way of doing life. After my break down I Google searched for young adult groups locally. I found a church right behind HSU's campus. My work schedule did not allow me to attend for a week after finding its existence, but I had a hope that this would be a place where I could find that community we were all created to live in. I have been 3 times now, and so far so good. Every time I am warmly greeted and welcomed in.
A lot of big things have changed in the last six months. At the end of September, my sister, who was the main reason I left Portland, decided to leave me stuck with the lease. She apparently had been hating everything (her words) about living in Humboldt and was just done. At the end of August she became secretly engaged to her on again/off again, long distance boyfriend of 4 months shy of two years. I found out two weeks after the fact, even though we were living together. She always has had an interesting way of doing life. The commitment of engagement, and distance they had been doing the majority of the relationship no longer made sense to her. She wanted to be with him and do all aspects of life with him. I understood where she was coming from. I knew no words I said would change her mind, she was leaving me physically alone in this town she invited me to, after spending the first year together emotionally making me feel alone. The saddest part for me, was that my relationship with her I felt like was finally at a good point and just had room to grow better from there. And now it is at the worst it has ever been.
She at least was kind enough not to leave me high and dry with the rent by myself. She said she could not stay here any longer, but would remain until she found someone to replace her in our apartment. I put that on her to figure out, and my only involvement would be the final approval. I normally would be move willing to help, but I had absolutely no spare time with my work schedule. She placed a craigslist ad, and over the next few weeks applicants came steadily through our home to see the place, as well as meet me. Most seemed strange. One girl that came through, Kaeli, I thought she would be great, but she decided to go a different direction. During the whole process, my sister was pressuring me to accept anyone. There's a big difference between accepting someone as a person and accepting them as a roommate. With the pressure, I ended up saying yes to the one applicant that didn't live nearby, and therefore she would be moving in before we had actually met each other. Even more so, her move in date coincided with the trip up to Portland I had been planning for months. Meaning she would be moving in while I was out of town.
I have always loved animals. I have had a few pets of my own in my life. Ultimately, I want a dog. Until I am able to obtain that, I have settled for lesser pets or been comforted by the love of my roommate's pets. Since I moved from Portland, the idea of a guinea pig seemed second best. I have never even met one before, but I was told they were easy/low maintenance pets. So, while I scoured craigslist for a dog I would glance and sometimes reply to posts for guinea pigs. Around the same time my sister announced she was leaving, I received a response from a guinea pig posting. After replying back and fourth for a couple weeks I became the proud owner of a guinea pig. I named her Spicy. I have since learned they actually are quite time consuming, and we have never fully connected. In the four months I've had her, we have gotten a little more comfortable and I have figured out more efficient ways of caring for her. I feel bad for her that she is not in the best home for her. I have recently re-posted her online to be re-homed. Between my work schedule, desire to travel, and soon moving back to Portland; I think she could be happier else where.
Only a month after my sister had moved back to Sacramento, in with her Fiance,they decided that waiting made no sense to them. They had a quickie wedding at the court house. Most everyone found out via FB. Our Dad luckily found out the day before, and was welcomed to attend (which he did). I am not sure she realizes or cares how much this act hurt so many people. I know it has damaged her relationship with all of her siblings. I'm sure our mother was devastated to learn that she missed the wedding of the first of her children. She is only the second grandchild on our father's side to marry as well. I believe we are all happy for her (I can only speak for myself), but we are just sad that she chose to hide this from us and we only found out by accident. This is supposed to be a joyous time to share with those you care most for. It simply sends the message that she does not want us to be a part of her life. Personally, I am still recovering from this hurt. I am trying to be the bigger person. I know if I was not a Christian, I would be so done with her for all the pain she has caused me these past few years. I refuse to give up on her. My worldly self struggles to reach out to her. My wound is still fresh, but I am working on healing for her betterment.
The purpose of this blog is to discuss PSP related matters and my work to bring it back into existence. Some curve balls have been thrown my way, but the program has been my hope threading me forward. My lease in Humboldt will be up at the end of April. My mantra these days is "Three my months". When days are hard, I just remember my countdown. That there is a purpose out there for me. There is something better than the life I am living now. I have been working on my plans and steps to take to bring PSP back. Fundraising will be the biggest aspect that I will be focusing on. I believe I have mentioned in a previous blog, we will need a minimum of $10,000 before the beginning of the summer to start the program back up. I plan on visiting churches and college campuses along the West Coast to talk about the impact PSP has had the previous 13 years as well as its importance for the future of Portland.
Thanks for tuning in. My life seems to be normalizing once again. However, life likes to keep things interesting. I will update as much as I can, but as long as I have my current job, I can make no guarantees when that will be. Be well and take care- Cassi
