Ideas a brewin'

Just as I suspected, the winds have changed in the last 8 months since I last wrote.  I have changed jobs and with that cities.  My goal is still to get back to Portland, but I have made a slight detour on the way.  This detour will aid me in my dream to bring the Pump Summer Program (PSP) back into action.  As of May 15th, I have been living in the Santa Cruz mountains, working at a place called Daybreak Camp.  I love this place.  It is tied with Portland as my favorite place to be.  I knew working here possibly was a once in a lifetime opportunity.  Hopefully I will be back in Portland sooner than later.  Once I am back there I will be working on getting PSP back, and therefore would not be back at this camp for many years.

I grew up going to this camp starting Labor Day weekend my freshman year of high school.  And pretty much since that time, one of my dream careers has been to work here.  I imagined it would be after my husband and I retired from at least a 1st career and it would be as caretakers for the camp.  I didn't know that jobs below the highest level were possible before last summer.  During that time, I came back as a volunteer as I had in the past as a cabin leader for both the Junior high (wildside) and High School sessions (FDC), after a 5 year hiatus due to my time being taken up by PSP.  Upon my return, I was shortly greeted by an old friend that I had not seen since probably High School, who was employed by Daybreak.  Back then I was pretty shy still, so did not talk to many people outside of my youth group, therefore she was more of an acquaintance.  Before, I thought to be summer staff at Daybreak, you had to be a male from campbell (the local church).  My friend was from Campbell, but she was a female.  Not much longer into the week, I met a new friend who was helping with Wildside, but was also employed by Daybreak.  I learned he was not from Campbell, but Livermore instead.  Between these two new revelations (a female, and a non-campbellite were employed by Daybreak) I too could work here and I would the following Summer.

Leaving Humboldt was a very interesting time in my life.  In my last post, I mentioned my utter despair and loneliness I was feeling without community.  That with the revelation I made, I had to be extremely intentional about reaching out and creating it.  Through God's grace, it was found and more.  Between the young adult group, new game night friends (and with that a possible romantic interest), and the small community of people I had already established it was actually difficult for me to leave.  I applied for my job at Daybreak in January of this year.  I simply sent an email to one of the current caretakers stating my interest and asked what I needed to do to apply.  She told me that I just needed to email them my resume and then after reviewing it would get back to me.  I honestly did not know what this job fully entailed, so to write up a resume for it made me feel unqualified.  All the same, I put some really good references on there and included any job experience I had that relatively looked like manual labor.  Turned out that my past experience did qualify me really well for the job, as my main role here is housekeeping.  There were some technological issues that delayed word as to whether I got the job, but after all the kinks were worked out two months later I was told the news I was hired.

At the same time this was happening, I was trying to find happiness in the life I was currently living.  In early February, my roommate and I received in the mail an invitation to the annual fireman's auction and dance (a fundraiser for the local community hosted by the fire department).  We decided to go, I actually had work off for a change!  There were a couple of moment I was not sure if I would make it.  I even got called in that day to see if I could come in for a last min date night.  I happily told them that I was sorry, but I already had plans.  At the dance (which turned out to be relatively lame), my roommate ran into her best friend's old roommate.  She was there with her boyfriend and we invited them to join us at our table.  Liz was this new friend's name and we instantly hit it off.  She was a teacher and we had lots to talk about.  Also, her boyfriend is the doppelganger for one of my old friend's from youth group.  Showing people their pictures became a fun party antidote.  The group of us decided to go out to a bar after the dance and on our way there, our new friend's went to pick up their other roommate to join us.  While we waited at the bar for them to meet up with us, I had this feeling in my gut he was going to be someone special in my life.  When he arrived, straightaway we began talking about movies, our life, and how they used to have weekly game nights.  They asked if we liked games.  I told them I loved games.  We all decided to head back to their place to play their favorite, Mao.  It is now my favorite game as well.  From that night we decided we get together every Friday night.  And we did sans a few weeks where conflicts came up, but we always rescheduled for a different night in those instances.  So, since we met on Feb 8th, we got together at least once a week.  Never in my life have I had friends like that.  I mean roommates we spent regular time together, and every week I see people from church, but this was different.  These friends choose to make plans to get together regularly and we did.  It was something truly special.  I am thankful for them and miss them as well as those nights.

Their roommate, did turn out to be someone special.  I was interested in him from that first meeting.  He was attractive, intelligent, funny, athletic, and talked in movies.  He was almost the full deal.  It didn't take long till interest turned into like, and nearly everyone around me could tell.  My roommate was the first to call me out on it.  I was so mad that I met him and that I was leaving town soon.  Story of my life.  God and I had lots of talks about this guy.  Every time He filled me with peace for the situation.  In March, I was able to go visit Portland.  I was there for a week, but was very busy living life there that I was not able to fulfill what I truly was wanting to.  During my week, I was house/dog sitting and that took up most of my time.  I did get to visit my twin best friends and my twin favorite tweens.  I got to see my friends from Nashville who happened to be in town and go to a swing dance of over 700 people.  I was able to go to both of my churches, though a lot of people were out of town because apparently it was Spring Break.  My two main goals of the trip were to do some job hunting for after the summer and find a dress for my brother's wedding.

At this point, I kind of was considering putting Portland on the back burner and see where things with this new guy would lead.  Portland is not in his dreams (though it is in the dreams of his roommates) Tahoe is where he wants to end up.  I have not spent significant time there, but I'm not opposed to it.  So, I did not apply for any jobs, which was a good thing because I'm still at Daybreak for an undetermined amount of time.  When I returned from Portland, things progressed with this guy.  I felt more clear about his intentions.  Before I thought "he might like me", after I thought "I am pretty sure he likes me".  This made me feel sad because I was still planning on leaving soon.  Even writing this right now, stresses me out because heading down that path flips all of the dreams I had before him upside down.  I don't like it, but I also don't like the idea of not being with him.  Let's go back to when I said he was almost the full deal.  The thing that also makes me say no to head down the road that leads to him is that he is not an active follower of Jesus.  I don't even know what his views on God are.  He might be a believer, but the fact that I have to ask shows that it is not a significant part of his life  That's important to me.

Being at Daybreak has given me lots of time to think.  I know that the months before leaving Humboldt I was living in the moment, not thinking about the future much or at least not acting like it.  I think that choice allowed the relationship that was budding to happen.  I usually think too much, and squash any chances of getting close to others.  Well, a week before I moved, he told me he liked me (yeah, you read that right, a WEEK).  I told him I'd be back in 3-4 months.  It has been almost 5 months and I still don't know when (or now if I'll be back).  I really haven't heard from him besides when I reached out to contact him.  If he was interested, I feel like he would put some effort in, so I don't feel so bad.  I was only going to return temporarily to see where things could go with him.  With my own reflection as well as conversations with many, many people here at camp, it doesn't really make sense to move back to Humboldt.  I definitely need to go up and have some conversations with people up there (as well as get the majority of my stuff being stored there).

Well, that is a brief summary of what has been happening in my life these past several months.  Many other things have also been going on.  Maybe you'll hear more about them later, but I have gone on for way too long already, I feel.  The ideas I have for the future of PSP are really exciting and they feel very tangible.  There is a group that comes here for the past 40 summers called Opportunity Camp.  It is a very similar program to PSP.  They serve underprivileged youth.  There are a few differences, but I was told that to bring PSP back we would have to come up with a whole new structure and I think this could be what we have been looking for.  The kids range from 8-18, as opposed to our elementary focused program.  I like this idea of expanding also because it will allow the kids that aged out of our program a chance back in.  The biggest differences are that it is only one week and it is an overnight camp, instead of 6 weeks of a day camp.  I think this can be a good thing, too.  And perhaps in time, we can grow back to having something for the kids to go to during the day for the summers.  I know this is something that parents struggling financially to work long hours to figure out childcare while school is out.  I would love to open a daycare for our families one day in the future.  Basically that's my life and what I am dreaming about these days.  I am excited for the future right now, and would love to rush on into it, however I know God is working on me right now to prepare me for the times ahead.

Till next time, Take Care- Cassi


  

I'm back, and I feel the winds beginning to change

                Since my last posting, my work hours have steadily increased significantly.  My first day off (besides Sundays, because those always seem to be jam packed) in January was the 27th.  The second week in (and 5th on-call shift) I drove home bailing my eyes out.  I am not used to working these crazy long hours.  I was just at my breaking point, completely exhausted, and the only way to release the tension of being where I do not feel like a belong was to cry.  I understand that God sometimes breaks us to make sure we are relying on Him, and these were one of those times.  A midst the tears, and k-love playing in the background I voiced to God what I was needing.  I reached out via FB to one of my older, wiser friends for prayers as well.
                Living here in Humboldt, I have had no community.  Since I moved out of my family home to college up in Portland, OR I have learned and lived in community, and it is the most beautiful way of doing life.  After my break down I Google searched for young adult groups locally.  I found a church right behind HSU's campus.  My work schedule did not allow me to attend for a week after finding its existence, but I had a hope that this would be a place where I could find that community we were all created to live in.  I have been 3 times now, and so far so good.  Every time I am warmly greeted and welcomed in.
                A lot of big things have changed in the last six months.  At the end of September, my sister, who was the main reason I left Portland, decided to leave me stuck with the lease.  She apparently had been hating everything (her words) about living in Humboldt and was just done.  At the end of August she became secretly engaged to her on again/off again, long distance boyfriend of 4 months shy of two years.  I found out two weeks after the fact, even though we were living together.  She always has had an interesting way of doing life.  The commitment of engagement, and distance they had been doing the majority of the relationship no longer made sense to her.  She wanted to be with him and do all aspects of life with him.  I understood where she was coming from.  I knew no words I said would change her mind, she was leaving me physically alone in this town she invited me to, after spending the first year together emotionally making me feel alone.  The saddest part for me, was that my relationship with her I felt like was finally at a good point and just had room to grow better from there.  And now it is at the worst it has ever been.
               She at least was kind enough not to leave me high and dry with the rent by myself.  She said she could not stay here any longer, but would remain until she found someone to replace her in our apartment.  I put that on her to figure out, and my only involvement would be the final approval.  I normally would be move willing to help, but I had absolutely no spare time with my work schedule.  She placed a craigslist ad, and over the next few weeks applicants came steadily through our home to see the place, as well as meet me.  Most seemed strange.  One girl that came through, Kaeli, I thought she would be great, but she decided to go a different direction.  During the whole process, my sister was pressuring me to accept anyone.  There's a big difference between accepting someone as a person and accepting them as a roommate.  With the pressure, I ended up saying yes to the one applicant that didn't live nearby, and therefore she would be moving in before we had actually met each other.  Even more so, her move in date coincided with the trip up to Portland I had been planning for months.  Meaning she would be moving in while I was out of town.    
               I have always loved animals.  I have had a few pets of my own in my life.  Ultimately, I want a dog.  Until I am able to obtain that, I have settled for lesser pets or been comforted by the love of my roommate's pets.  Since I moved from Portland, the idea of a guinea pig seemed second best.  I have never even met one before, but I was told they were easy/low maintenance pets.  So, while I scoured craigslist for a dog I would glance and sometimes reply to posts for guinea pigs.  Around the same time my sister announced she was leaving, I received a response from a guinea pig posting.  After replying back and fourth for a couple weeks I became the proud owner of a guinea pig.  I named her Spicy.  I have since learned they actually are quite time consuming, and we have never fully connected.  In the four months I've had her, we have gotten a little more comfortable and I have figured out more efficient ways of caring for her. I feel bad for her that she is not in the best home for her.  I have recently re-posted her online to be re-homed.  Between my work schedule, desire to travel, and soon moving back to Portland; I think she could be happier else where.      
               Only a month after my sister had moved back to Sacramento, in with her Fiance,they decided that waiting made no sense to them.  They had a quickie wedding at the court house.  Most everyone found out via FB.  Our Dad luckily found out the day before, and was welcomed to attend (which he did).  I am not sure she realizes or cares how much this act hurt so many people.  I know it has damaged her relationship with all of her siblings.  I'm sure our mother was devastated to learn that she missed the wedding of the first of her children.  She is only the second grandchild on our father's side to marry as well.  I believe we are all happy for her (I can only speak for myself), but we are just sad that she chose to hide this from us and we only found out by accident.  This is supposed to be a joyous time to share with those you care most for.  It simply sends the message that she does not want us to be a part of her life.  Personally, I am still recovering from this hurt.  I am trying to be the bigger person.  I know if I was not a Christian, I would be so done with her for all the pain she has caused me these past few years.  I refuse to give up on her.  My worldly self struggles to reach out to her.  My wound is still fresh, but I am working on healing for her betterment.
              The purpose of this blog is to discuss PSP related matters and my work to bring it back into existence.  Some curve balls have been thrown my way, but the program has been my hope threading me forward.  My lease in Humboldt will be up at the end of April.  My mantra these days is "Three my months".  When days are hard, I just remember my countdown.  That there is a purpose out there for me.  There is something better than the life I am living now.  I have been working on my plans and steps to take to bring PSP back.  Fundraising will be the biggest aspect that I will be focusing on.  I believe I have mentioned in a previous blog, we will need a minimum of $10,000 before the beginning of the summer to start the program back up.  I plan on visiting churches and college campuses along the West Coast to talk about the impact PSP has had the previous 13 years as well as its importance for the future of Portland.                      
               Thanks for tuning in.  My life seems to be normalizing once again.  However, life likes to keep things interesting.  I will update as much as I can, but as long as I have my current job, I can make no guarantees when that will be.  Be well and take care-  Cassi